I’m up at 15 minutes to 3a.m. and honestly, I’m not sure what I’m doing. Maybe I actually do and what I’m really trying to figure out is how much I care.
Tonight, I should have had the best night of my life. I finally got to meet up with some close friends and have a totally awesome dinner but after getting back home, the pressure of work etc. starts to sink in and I realise something I thought was done isn’t quite there yet. Now I find myself staring at a word document I’m not too sure what to do with.
And now, I’m also realising that perhaps it is because I’m not a very honest person at all. I’m not the kind of person to let others know how I feel and here, it feels even more difficult to do so. So now, let me surprise the world a little and say that I’m so tired. Oddly enough, it’s ministry that’s making me so tired and sometimes I wanna quit. Even when I have a weekend “off”, I don’t feel rested. Sometimes, I can’t fall asleep at night and I wonder what’s wrong with me because just this time last year, I was doing perfectly fine. I think I once served five weekends in a row and could still be chipper at the end and feel like I could do more. Unfortunately, I want right now is to be a vegetable and not do anything.
Technically, I’m home but at the same time, it feels like I’m not. It’s been more than eight months since I came back and I should be settling into life by now but I’m not. It’s like a part of me is still back in Melbourne. I want to cry every time I click the podcast tab and see the title of exactly what I need to hear from the place I’m no longer at. I wonder why I’m here and not there, why God brought me back to this place. I do see the good happening but somehow it’s not enough and at such a ridiculous time in the middle of the night, I don’t know who to talk to.
I miss my housemate and just being able to talk out problems at 1a.m. I miss those $2 Taco Tuesdays with the girls I love and served with. I miss feeling real because all this feels like a nightmare sometimes. I feel like I have to be so much more grown up than I really am and my comfort perhaps, is knowing that my closest friends will be reading this long and nonsensical spiel of me speaking irrationally.
And the feeling of hopelessness regarding this world doesn’t seem to go away.