I know I’m supposed to be setting a good example and stuff but well, I figure most of the people reading this will be my closest friends anyway. It’s part of life and for me, this is real.

I didn’t really want to talk about this because it’s pretty depressing and gross stuff and I always thought that it would just go away after a while. But the darkness never lifted and I’m still torn so I await the day my cloudy eyes shine once again.

Tonight I went out for dinner with the cousin and honestly had one of the best nights I’ve had in a while. Just tried to put all my cares aside. Dinner was great, had ramen at Sanpoutei. The tsukemen which was great. I like the noodles a bit softer for Tsukemen cos when you dip the noodles in, they don’t get a whole lot softer like typical ramen which sits in the soup for a while.  

Also had some fried chicken. FRIED CHICKEN! That’s definitely one way to perk up your day. CNY clothes+shoe shopping was very successful and so I was generally quite happy.

Then I got home and because mum has been worried about me and been like, “We need to talk,” and blah so I told her about stuff that’s been happening and then it all just started coming back and I didn’t want to talk about it anymore so I went back to my room. But mum kept texting me anyways so everything really came back and there are things I remember even more clearly now that it’s back out and I hate it. I feel so upset and I’m just crying. For a moment, I felt like I might have understood why people cut themselves. You feel so much emotional pain that you need the physical pain to distract you from the hurt before you go insane.

No, I didn’t cut myself so don’t worry. I just made an emo instagram post and started writing this post which you’re reading now.

I can’t share everything – privacy issues and stuff so this is just what’s been happening concerning me stuff.

After all the stress with church stuff and work stuff, I think that was when my hair started dropping out. I don’t think anyone in my family took me seriously when I said that but it was pretty freaky. I’d run my fingers through dry hair and a whole clump would come out and when I woke up in the mornings I’d find this whole nest of hair on my bed. And that’s without knots in there. Gross much but I had to go on with life. My parents brought up a number of things like shampoo and not enough nutrients (which I’m supposed to be notorious for) but I felt like it wasn’t working. I’ve been using the same shampoo for over a year now so I was quite sure that wasn’t it and got quite annoyed at them continuously pointing out expensive shampoos that help with hairloss.

Nutrition wise, I tried taking some leftover vitamin B complex as well as some iron pills which I had neglected over December. Hair fall decreased for like a day or so and I was temporarily relieved till it started dropping again.

I’ve also been sick on and off the past two or three weeks with my throat hurting bad. Went around three weeks ago to the doctor but didn’t really get a lot better. Anyway, I had a fever on Wednesday night and yesterday morning so I just took it as an excuse to finally see the doctor. Good news is he said my hair won’t all fall out but it IS thinning. Take more vitamin C and B as well; double the usual amount cos I need to put back everything I’ve lost.

At least regarding my health, I feel a bit more reassured now. But I’ve been listening to “Even When It Hurts” by Hillsong the past two days and tears began falling out without me even knowing why. I haven’t cried like this for over a month but now I know; it’s because these wounds haven’t turned to scars yet. You don’t just look at them and remember how you got them. Yes, they still hurt and all along I’ve simply pretended not to care. I’ve simply pretended to be alright. But I’m not and I hope, that’s okay.

Thanks for reading.


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